“What are your strengths?” As adults, we have all probably answered this question when interviewing for a job or other position. While this might be a straightforward question for us as adults to answer, it might be more difficult to provide an answer about our child’s strengths. If it’s difficult for us as adults to talk about our child’s strengths, it will probably be even more difficult for our children to talk about themselves and their strengths. This may be particularly difficult for children with ADHD or challenges with executive functioning.
If identifying your child’s strengths is difficult for you or your child, it might be worth considering a strengths-based approach to ADHD and executive functioning coaching. When I have discussions with parents, I almost always ask parents to tell me about their child’s strengths. The answer might not be very straightforward for a parent with a child who struggles with ADHD or executive function.
The goal of strengths-based coaching is to help clients identify their own set of strengths and skills that can then be utilized to overcome challenges.
Some parents are well-prepared to answer the question about their child’s strengths. “My son is very intelligent.” “She is kind.” “He is caring.” “She has musical talent.” “He is a great artist.” The list of strengths is long. Even if parents tell their children what their set of strengths are, children with ADHD and executive function issues often struggle to internalize and truly believe what their parents or others say because their behavior has led to a long history of hearing about their deficits from others (teachers, coaches, peers, etc.). Unfortunately, these children tend to think of and believe the negative qualities about themselves while ignoring the positive.
When I ask the students whom I work with to tell me about their strengths, they are often perplexed and don’t know how to answer. Students with complex issues are sometimes entangled in a cycle of low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. They are constantly being evaluated based on their abilities in various areas. Their competency is then unfairly determined because they measure their own abilities against those of students without ADHD or executive functioning challenges. For example, a child with ADHD who has trouble sitting for long periods of time may struggle to stay seated in the classroom compared to their peers without ADHD. A student with executive function challenges might have no idea when an assignment is due and struggle to remember these details compared to their peers without executive functioning challenges. As a result of being compared to their peers without these deficits, these children tend to receive negative feedback and are constantly being told to act more like the neurotypical child in order to conform to the norm. The constant focus on what they are doing wrong leaves these students with little time to think about their strengths.
As human beings, it is somewhat natural to dwell on the negative. Focusing on the negative with the goal of improving oneself is evolutionarily adaptive because it increases one’s chances of survival. This may suggest why traditional psychology is rooted in identifying one’s problems. It is therefore not surprising when children with ADHD or executive function issues and their parents get consumed with the negative, making it extremely difficult to see their strengths.
The goal of strengths-based coaching is to assist students in identifying their positive attributes and then find ways to use them as a means to overcome their challenges. For example, a student with ADHD who excels in sports may not realize all of the skills it takes to win a game. There is planning, focus, and teamwork, to name a few. By working with a coach the child is able to self-identify certain skills that are displayed in successful behavior and recognize that they are strengths. They then learn to take these skills and apply them to other situations, like their classroom, workplace, or home.
If you want to help your child with strength identification, you might consider one of the assessments that are available online. The University of Pennsylvania created an evidence-based and reliable way to measure strengths called the Values in Action (VIA) Survey of Character Strengths. If you want to take the survey, click here for the link. The survey results make a great conversation starter on strengths activation.
If you have questions about strengths-based coaching, assessments, and how they can help your child, contact me for more information.
