I vividly remember when my daughter’s college community was rocked with devastating news during her freshman year of college. A student ended their life. The news first came through a series of texts that circulated among the students when the police arrived at the dorm. Then the students started texting their parents. Within hours, the school had notified the students in the dorm that there would be a meeting. The parents’ social media pages lit up with questions about how to support our children.
Here is the thing. The college my daughter went to is a large university with 18,000 undergraduate students. The only students to be notified were those who lived in the dorm. Parents received no news other than a statement three days later on the college’s social media page saying that support services would be offered.
Needless to say, many students were quite shaken. A number of students who lived on the same dorm floor were so upset that they had to leave campus. As the next few days ensued, some students received notices from professors about their policy on missed classes, while others did not.
Parents then took their thoughts to a social media page to severely criticize the school for its lack of response and empathy. Stories started to abound about the university’s shortcomings on dealing with mental health. Some brave students chose to share their stories about the school’s lack of, or inappropriate, response to their own mental health crisis. Then the school took down the page.
Whether or not you believe that a school should have a stronger response in the face of a crisis, it is extremely important to know what resources are available for your child. This is true not only if your own child is suffering from a mental health crisis, but also if they are witness to someone else who is going through a crisis.
We are in an unfortunate time when teen and young adult suicides are on the rise. The COVID-19 pandemic only made suicide rates rise even more. As hard as this fact is to accept, your child is likely to know or hear of a suicide during their time at college. Couple this with a general rise in anxiety and depression among students, and you will soon realize that colleges are overwhelmed with meeting the mental health needs of their community.
In College of the Overwhelmed, the Campus Mental Health Crisis and What to Do About it, Richard Kadison, MD and Teresa Foy Di Geronimo paint a grim picture. Kadison, who is the Chief of the Mental Health Service at Harvard University asserts that while colleges acknowledge that students’ emotional needs should be addressed, there is considerable debate as to how that should be done, and if it is even the college’s responsibility to do so. This has led to a truly disparate level of services offered by colleges. Where one college might be very involved and offer numerous services and support, another might offer nothing more than a psychological referral and a therapy dog.
Because of this varied response, it is incumbent on parents to know what is offered, and to ensure that their children know how to access help when needed. If your child were to call you and tell you that they are depressed, angry, in a funk, or having suicidal thoughts, would you know what to do? Or, if your child tells you that their roommate just attempted suicide and they are feeling responsible because they should have seen it coming (this is known as a “ripple effect”), how would you respond? If your child suddenly finds themself unable to get out of bed or go to class, what will you do? Who do you call?
In a time when our children are dealing with enormous stresses, preparation for difficult times is imperative. Many parents fear that talking about or asking about suicide will plant the idea in their child’s head and trigger them to commit suicide. This is not true at all. Research has shown that bringing up suicide and talking about it will actually make your child feel more comfortable talking to you if something does come up for them or a friend. Therefore, before your child leaves for college, you should have a conversation about suicide. You should mention that they may hear about or see someone in distress and that a student may commit suicide on their campus. It is also important that your child understand that they may not be able to prevent a friend’s or roommate’s suicide. Give them resources to seek help if they know of someone so that they themselves do not experience the ripple effect.
Before your child leaves for school, find out what type of mental health services are offered. To learn what mental health services are offered, here are some questions you might ask the school:
- What type of mental health services are offered directly by the school?
- How does my child access these services if they feel they are in crisis?
- How many mental health counselors are available at any given time?
- Is there a 24-hour hotline available to the students?
- What actions might be taken if my child is in crisis?
Once you find answers to these questions, make sure that you share this information with your child.
It is important to note that a school may respond to a student in distress by referring them to the police or their campus public safety officers. These individuals will make a determination as to whether a 911 call should be initiated. If this does happen, the student will be taken to an ER for a psychological evaluation, and may be compelled to stay for a 72 hour hold. This can be a very scary experience. However, at times, it is the only way to prevent a student from harming themself.
Most importantly, if you do get that call from your child where they tell you that they want to end their life, you must act quickly and calmly. But first and foremost, make sure that you talk with your child first. Specifically, the Child Mind Institute offers the following advice:
…the crucial first step: If you think your child might be suicidal, talk with him about it, ask [them] about their suicidal thoughts. Sometimes people are afraid that if they talk about it, it will make suicidal thoughts more real, and suicide more likely to happen. But the truth is that if a child feels that [they have] someone safe in the family that [they] can talk to, [they] feel better. [They] feel more understood. [They] feel like there’s more empathy for [them]. And that gives you an opening to explain the value of psychotherapy, and possibly medication for the feelings that are causing him so much pain.
Of course, you don’t want to wait for a crisis to talk with your child about their mental health. The Child Mind Institute published a parent guide on suicide and self-harm. Here are a few of the points they highlight:
- Express Your Love: Even if you think that your child knows that you love them, now is the time to verbally express your love and how important they are to you and how much you care about them.
- Express empathy: It is important to validate your child’s feelings. Rather than focusing on solving the problem at hand and saying “oh, it is not that bad”, ask about their concerns, listen, and show that you understand. If you are really worried, encourage them to get professional help. Also, help them get that help if they need it.
- Prioritize the positive: Parents’ worries often come across as criticism. Practice having positive conversations with your child.
- Minimize conflict: Choose your battles wisely. Remember that your goal as a parent is to reassure your child when they are struggling.
- Stay in touch: Many parents feel they are invading their child’s privacy if they are tracking their location or staying in touch with their social media pages. Since this is your child’s normal social interaction, you should be part of that conversation.
- Know your child’s friends. You may have never met your child’s college friends. So, engage in positive conversations with your child about their friends. If you visit your child at school, invite the friends to join you and your child for coffee or dinner. Get to know the roommate’s parents.
- Talk openly. Again, if your child is giving you any indication about suicidal thoughts, talk openly about it.
While I hope that you never get this call from your child, it is crucially important to be prepared. If we all make an effort to support our children by showing empathy without judgment, perhaps we can help stop this upsetting trend.
Additional resources on suicide prevention:
National Suicide Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-someone-else/