Photo by Matt Ragland on Unsplash
Let’s face it. The college “experience” has dramatically changed over the last few decades. The tuition cost alone may make students feel enormous pressure to succeed. Students may also often hear the message that college is the “best four years of your life”. We as parents sometimes forget the angst we felt when we first arrived at college ourselves, and we build up the college experience to our children. Then they arrive on campus and are shocked by feelings of anxiety, loneliness and stress. These feelings are normal, but oftentimes, our children are unprepared for all of the changes that college brings.
The role of parents is to nurture and
educate their children.
When a student has ADHD, college can be particularly difficult. The statistics related to college graduation and ADHD can appear scary and even appalling at first. Some research has shown students with ADHD are seven times less likely to graduate college. Before you panic, know that there is a lot WRONG with this statistic. First, this is a measure of students who have received no support. That means no medication, no behavioral modifications, and no accommodations. This statistic is also looking at a student’s ability to finish in four years. With many colleges adding to the credit requirements, a four-year degree is getting more and more difficult, even for neuro-typical students.
Do not let the statistics frighten you. Instead, use them as a sign of caution. You have advocated for your child with ADHD for many years, which has helped them get the support they need in the form of medication, behavioral modification, and accommodations. Even though your child may legally be an adult, they still need to receive support. In college, your advocacy role does not go away. It just changes a bit.
ADHD parents want the same for their children as any other parent. We want our children to grow into responsible adults who can thrive as individuals and partners in life. Parents’ role is to nurture and educate their children, and this does not stop when your child goes to college. I would argue that if you are a parent of a child with ADHD, your role becomes even more important during these years. Your guidance and support are crucial to your child’s success.
As parents sending an ADHD child off to college, we ask ourselves, “Is our child prepared?” What we sometimes forget to ask is, “Are we prepared?”
Here are some ways to ensure that you are best supporting your child with ADHD while they are in college:
Insist that your child applies for accommodations. If you want to foster your child’s success, it is imperative that they go to college with the right amount of support. So many parents say to me, “my child wants to try college without accommodations first”. Really? A new environment, no one driving them to school and telling them that they need to go to class, and lots of free time on their hands. This is not the time to give it a try. Given that neuro-typical children arrive at college and feel overwhelmed, I can assure you that your child will too – likely to a much higher degree. Why not have the accommodations in place when they arrive. Even if they find that they do not need them at some point, they are there when they suddenly find that they do.
Encourage self-advocacy. At every opportunity, give your child the chance to self-advocate. A good place to start is in the application for accommodations. This does not mean that you nag, “When are you going to get that application done” but it also does not mean that you apply for accommodations for them. Instead, go through the website with your child. Have your child fill out the forms. Ask important questions like, “What do you think you need to be successful?” This will help your child once they are approved for accommodations and need to have conversations with their professors about how to best implement their accommodations. Also, have your child reach out to the Office of Disability Services if they have any questions. Partner with them in this process so that they learn how to advocate. When your child calls you to tell you that they are behind in their class (and they might be, even if they don’t tell you), ask how they want to handle it. Go through possible scenarios so that they learn how to balance their stress and effectively communicate.
Check your expectations and be flexible. Unfortunately, things may not go exactly as you had planned for your child. It may not be anything earth-shattering, but it may still happen. When planning on your ADHD child’s education, it is best to be flexible. Even if you finished college in four years and expected your child to do the same, remember that your child’s needs and experience can and may have to differ from yours. At some point in college, your child might fail a course or two, or they may need to drop a course to lighten their course load. Set realistic expectations and communicate them with your child. By telling your child that you acknowledge that they might need more than four years to complete college, you are relieving the pressure that your child may feel. Since children with ADHD often judge themselves, telling your child that you know that they might need a five-year plan also communicates that you accept and support them no matter what.
Manage your own emotions. As a parent and advocate of your child, it makes sense that you may react emotionally and negatively if your child is struggling. For example, if their child is struggling and not doing well, a parent will often jump to the conclusion that the only course of action is to bring their child home from college. Given that parents care about their child’s well-being and that college is quite expensive, it makes sense that many parents jump to this conclusion. It is unfair and wrong to force your child to stay in an environment that is not working for them. In situations where your child’s anxiety and difficulties are high enough, bringing them home might be the best solution. However, it is important to remember that the decision to leave college can be devastating for some students. It is crucial that your child feels heard before you begin talking with them to assess all of their options. It is important that you do not let your emotional reactions get in the way of supporting your child. If you can’t control your own emotions, seek help from someone who can serve as a mediator and assist in making this important decision. In general, remember to always take a breath and pause before you react. You can also practice imagining certain scenarios, such as this one, ahead of time and make a plan as to how you will react when you receive news about your child struggling.
Stay in touch. Sometimes this process is so difficult that parents start to practice avoidance. You are tired of the arguments, so it is tempting to “take a break”. College is not the time for parent breaks. Instead of avoidance, establish a regular time for calls. Remember that these calls should not be all about their performance at school. Sometimes your child will want to talk, or cry, or laugh. Since ADHD also impacts how students process their emotions and feel about themselves, make sure that you are also asking your child how they are doing emotionally.
Ask the right questions. As coaches, we are very careful to ask open-ended and thought-provoking questions so that the student can make a plan and “own” it. You should be doing the same thing as a parent. Practice your questioning style to help promote your child’s sense of self and autonomy. Try to avoid any questions that can be answered with a quick “yes” or “no” because this prevents your child from making their own decisions.
College can be a wonderful experience for students with ADHD. With the right level of support from their parents and support team, students with ADHD can thrive. As parents, you want to be the advocate, the cheerleading squad, and the guide. I have much experience working with both parents and students on establishing successful experiences in college. If you need help with this new role, please contact me.