Let’s Talk Turkey: How to Talk to Your ADHD College Student About School

Your college-aged child is coming home for Thanksgiving! You may not have seen them since they left for school in late summer. In the few short days that they are home, you are anxious to hear how the school year is going.

This can be a difficult conversation, especially when your child has ADHD or another complex issue. Until now, you may feel that you are in the dark about your child’s college performance. Guess what? So are they!

The week before Thanksgiving is usually my busiest time of the year. Students realize that they are heading home, so they know “the conversation” is coming. They also know that there are only a few short weeks left in the semester when they return. The mad scramble to catch up on work ensues. They don’t want to have to go home and tell their parents that they might not be doing so well this semester.

EXPECT THAT YOUR COLLEGE STUDENT WILL COME HOME FEELING OVERWHELMED AND TIRED

But, more times than not, ADHD students do not have any idea about how they are doing. College is not like high school. Professors are generally not posting grades on a regular basis. The only way that your children know how they are doing is if they have been keeping track of their grades on tests, quizzes, and labs. This process requires a significant amount of organization skills, which is not strength with ADHD.

Also, keep in mind that your child probably needs this Thanksgiving break. Expect that your child has not had a good night’s sleep since they left for college. They probably are not eating the healthiest of food. This is the college experience. So, expect that your child will come home feeling overwhelmed and tired.

You should also expect that they are coming home with a whole lot of schoolwork to complete. They are going to want to see their friends, and spend time with their family too. They have a lot to do in a short period of time.

While you might not want to hear this, it is not the time to get in a battle about grades. Instead, it is a time for reflective listening and support. As anxious as you are to get the full scoop on school, you might get more information if you provide a calm and supportive environment.

Here are 5 tips on how to support your college student over Thanksgiving:

1. Let them sleep. Sleep deprivation is a serious matter, particularly when a student has ADHD. The ability to focus when sleep is a problem is seriously inhibited.
2. Focus on nutrition. Last week, I read a funny article on kids coming home from college. They are going to want you to cook them every one of their favorite meals. Just what we want to do when we are trying to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner! But, be sure to have some nutritious meals available. Nutrition is key in treating ADHD.
3. Find ways to exercise. I know that if I suggest to my daughter that she go to the gym, it is not going to go over well. But, a nice walk in the neighborhood on Thanksgiving, or a lively game of flag football could be a great way to fit in the exercise without nagging.
4. Let them meet up with friends. You probably really want them to get their schoolwork completed over the break. Our children need their connections and moral support. So let them see their friends and spend time with family. If they have work to do, provide them with the time and space to get their work done. You may want them to set the table, or prepare the mashed potatoes, but this time is better spent if they can get some work done before family arrives or before you head off to a celebration.
5. Have supportive conversations. Instead of demanding an update on how the semester is going, take a reflective listening approach. If you give your child some supportive time at home, they may decide to open up. If they don’t, then ask them, “how can I be of help to you for the rest of the semester?” Remember, we want our children to be self-advocates. If you can somehow show them that you are not going to get angry if they open up, you may find that they need someone to talk to about their concerns. Be as supportive as you can. Take a coach approach – instead of solving the issue for them, ask them what they want to do to solve the problem. Tread lightly, don’t be quick to paint a disaster picture for them, and understand how hard it is to be successful in college with ADHD.

Wishing you a wonderful and joyful Thanksgiving. Enjoy your time with your children.

It is true when people say, “the time goes by so fast!”