“I couldn’t handle college.”
“I don’t know why I couldn’t get the work done.”
“I can’t believe I am back home.”
These are the words that I sometimes hear from college students with ADHD or executive function challenges. For various reasons, some students with ADHD find themselves leaving college because the challenges of being in college were too difficult to overcome.
For students with ADHD or executive function challenges, the inability to manage the rigor of college is a dramatic experience.
This is not only a freshman year experience. Sometimes, freshman year can be very successful. Then, as the curriculum gets difficult, the obstacles multiply. For others, the transition to college is a shock, and the student struggles from the first day of freshman year. Because colleges don’t usually post grades until after the semester is over, parents and students alike are shocked to find that the grades include failures or Ds. All of a sudden, the student is faced with the prospect of being placed on academic probation. Scholarships are in jeopardy, and everyone is worried.
The parent’s changing role
For as long as you can remember, you have played two roles in your child’s life. Of course, your primary role has been as a parent. Because of your child’s complex needs, you have also filled the role of advocate. You have represented your child’s needs in school – with teachers, guidance counselors, and as a member of their Child Study team. You have represented your child at the doctor, the psychologist, and the occupational therapist, on the field, in music lessons, and in managing play dates. Whether you realize it or not, you are an expert advocate!
What is the parent’s role when their child is in college?
Now that your child is a college student, you may ask yourself, “What is my role now?” You may have received the message that it is time to “let your child fly” and to foster their independence. After all, your child is now an emerging adult. So, should you let them manage college on their own? The simple answer is “yes!” and “no!”
The parent’s role does not end when their child goes to college – it is just different. College is an exciting time. It is a wonderful opportunity to foster independence and responsibility. There is a lot of time to practice “adulting”. As parents, we want to be sure to support our children in these endeavors. However, college is fraught with obstacles for a student with ADHD or executive function challenges. A student who is dealing with these challenges may not yet be ready for all of the independence that college offers. As parents of our complex children, we must again step into that dual role of parent and advocate. But, not in the same way as high school.
We hear a lot about “helicopter” and even “bulldozer” parenting. These terms have a derogatory meaning for the most part. I have a different perspective. Because of our children’s significant needs, and oftentimes, the pushback they get in school and their social environment, it has been necessary to hover closely. When your complex child is attending college, it is not yet time to land the helicopter. HOWEVER, it is time to start circling in for a landing.
A student with ADHD or executive function challenges wants to experience the independence that college has to offer as much as neurotypical students. For parents, it is a difficult dance to create an environment of support while fostering that independence. In order to do so, it is important to understand the college experience for a complex child. You must enter their world and understand it before you can help them.
How to help your child transition to an emerging adult
What is your role as a parent of a college student with complex issues? In fact, it is no different than any other parent – to prepare your child to be a productive adult, both emotionally and physically.
When parenting a child with ADHD or executive function challenges, a parent’s protective instincts can go into overdrive. In an effort to “help” your child, you might find that you are “doing” for them instead of “teaching” them.
Because I work primarily with high school and college students, I see the effects of parents who do everything for their children. This result is students finding that they are completely relying on their parents to get any of their tasks done. There is a long list of reminders, study plans, and chores. When parents do it all, children don’t learn self-regulation and they find that they are unable to manage their own life.
There is no exact methodology for preparing your child for college. Every student has different needs. There are, however, some common threads that will contribute to a student’s success. If you need assistance with clarifying your role when your child with ADHD is in college, contact me.